As you can see, I am starting up my Blog again. I have checked very carefully to see that no family or person from Upstate New York can read this that is related to or friends with my family. After eight months of silence and thinking about my family I have come to the conclusion that I have to try very hard to not care what they think.

My youngest sister has been completely silent to me except for saying “FU” when I asked for my large dog dryer back. She still also owes me $400.00 for my washer and dryer.

My next-to-youngest sister is completely oblivious to anything that she did or may have done to me. In the beginning she wrote me a monthly letter but nothing was her fault and she did nothing wrong with me.

My oldest sister whom I loved best in the world wrote me the worst letter I have ever received from a person, calling me names. Later, she apologized but stated that she will not talk about any issues involved and I have to call her rather than she calling me. She stated that talking about the issue “hurts” her so nothing can be resolved and I will not just brush these dust balls under the carpet.

I called my Mother three times resolving to apologize to her even if I had done nothing. All three times she hung up on me. Months later we spoke civily but she insists that I have injured her reputation, that I am an alcoholic, that I deserved everything I got. She stated that I am a liar and that I have an incredible imagination and that nothing happened as I say it did when I was a child.

Unfortunately nothing can be solved because all three sisters want my Mother’s money and with me out of the picture they will get more when she passes.

I have heard nothing from my Aunts, Nieces, Nephews, Cousins, etc. They obviously have been brainwashed by my Mother. When a group of people get together and use someone as a scapegoat, others join in and do the same, I believe because they are afraid of getting punished themselves.

Money is extremely tight because my husband is paying for two homes and I cannot find a job. I have been volunteering at a farm and just to feel the earth under my knees and in my hands helps me. I have made two friends there. I’m hoping that I can continue until fall.

One of those friends and I decided to go to the beach last week. I had never been at that one and was really excited. On the way I was going to drop off an application for a part-time waitress position that wasn’t even open. I was nervous and walked in the front door then took a right where the people were and stepped down a step that I didn’t know was there (so much for yellow lines and signs that say “watch your step”. It actually didn’t hurt and embarrassed or not, I gave the manager my application. On to the beach where I sat on a rock and soaked my left foot in the freezing cold Atlantic. That evening I called another of my friends who took me into emergency (geeze, three friends already) where I was diagnosed with a broken 5^th metacarcle, given a flimsy boot and crutches. Once home, I realized that I couldn’t even get a cup of coffee with crutches, much less walk any dogs or carry anything. Sobering moment to realize that all my plans were coming to a halt and that I had to call home and beg the person that I had left to take care of me for six weeks so I could come back again. Which….is what I did, calling the Manager to tell him to keep an eye on the house, literally throwing some items into the car, opening the car doors and hoping that’s where the dogs would go and heading off down the road. Thank God it was the left foot.

After getting home and receiving grins and hugs from daughter and husband and realizing that nothing had been done to the yard, barn or house since I had left, I decided to tackle all three. I asked my older sister if she wanted extra money to come and clean (which she said “yes” to) hired a landscaper and got the barn-saler more on track. My sister later said that she would never clean for me again because my house was so filthy (as if I had been there to clean and after I was there I had a foot to do it with). I thanked her and other that that, none of the family has spoken or contacted me since. I have decided to give my Family Bible and Pictures of my Great Aunts to my Aunt, who at least speaks pleasantly to me. If she does not want them then they will go in the burn pile. I am that hurt and fed up with them. I, who have been working on the family tree for 20 years or so.

To make things more exciting, the pain in my arms increased enough to warrant an MRI on the left one which indicated surgery for manipulation, removal of a bone spur, removal of bone bursa (I’m probably saying this all wrong) and removal of scar tissue formed from being thrown off the head of a horse several times. This proves that you should wear football outfits when riding.

I have never felt such pain for so long. I am still going to physical therapy, I still need my Advil every 4 hours, I sometimes still cry in the mornings. It aches constantly and I CANNOT imagine having a broken neck. I truly believe that the pain had something to do with future events and can’t believe that Doctors cannot come up with some non-addictive, non-ulcer forming medication to kill pain, even if it is a blow to the head.

So, it comes up to November 1 and my lease on the Maine house is up. That’s it for my time of reflection, for learning to love myself and seeing if I can live by myself. Just when I was getting started. Working in a garden in the sun, making friends, starting to go on job interviews. So, my friend sets me up with her brother and his friend who needed jobs, I got a Penske and back I went to Maine to get my things trying to keep my chin up.

My house has three rooms plus a closed-in porch and a bath. Only the bath and the porch have doors so we elected to have brother sleep in bedroom, friend on couch and me on closed in porch. No problem thank goodness because later I heard that my friend had told both of them that I wanted to sleep with them which could have caused some serious problems for me if they both had not been so nice. There goes another friend. I’ll have to write a song about that. How to keep in touch with the hurt in your feelings by losing friends and relatives.

We three had a great time. They got pretty high at the “Old Goat”, a famous pub in Richmond and I actually had a beer that kind of tasted like lemonade (not really good). The only bad times were brother’s friend packing my bedroom, going through my things and making fun of them or liking my underwear, etc. I thought I was going to die. So you see how it could have turned out so badly? Thank you “friend”. Wicked. Wicked. Wicked.

10 hour drive home mostly sleeping with brother driving because my arm hurt too much (and all I did was point).

Getingt home and unloading finishes and that fiasco is done and I sat down at my old desk in the same old spot in the same old room in the same old house. Paul went to do some errands and I looked at the future ahead of me and took a bottle of sleeping pills and ate two bottles of 1 mg diazepam. I don’t remember getting to the couch but Paul says he let me sleep for three hours but Sam kept whining and then he couldn’t wake me up. I was in ICU for 4 days. You see, I can’t even do that without goofing it up. My karma should be wonderful.

Now, you can all give me your opinions on this action but I have to tell you that it has been an exhausting trip and my advice to you is if you are going to try it – make sure you do some research so that either you don’t do it or you do it right. Don’t wake up in the ICU being sent home without your daily dose of calcium because you may OD on it and your calendar full of psychiatric appointments. You will lose what friends you did have (or didn’t) and you will be the only one to notice anyway.

After a week, I did call my older sister so that my mother wouldn’t keel over when she heard (if she hadn’t heard) and she asked me why it was that I was calling her to let her know. She never told the rest of the family. That was when I decided to give the family items to my aunt since my daughter has no children anyway.

I am trying to cope with my arm pain and my wrist surgery is to be scheduled for sometime soon and perhaps the house can be sold if we lower the price enough.

If my family does read this well then….they will know what is happening or….they can hit erase. They can be happy now that I am almost truly gone. Perhaps they can start a few more rumors just for giggles.